Happiness is....

....a warm cuddly child on a cool morning. Remember those Charles Schulz cartoons featuring Peanuts characters?

It has been so blasted hot this year that I am starting to wonder If I wouldn't have been better off voting for the genius that invented the internet and lives in a several thousand square foot eco-friendly glass house from whence he throws rocks.

Its actually nice to feel chilly finally now that the elusive season of autumn is almost over.

I've been really down the last couple of days. I have been trying (very unsuccessfully) not to appear sullen and petulant. I have a lot on my mind and a lot on my plate. I have a lot of time on my hands and am making poor use of it. Money is a serious ongoing problem with no improvement even imaginable over the horizon. A really good friend of mine from boyhood is in town. He went through a similar financial funk for a while and recently sort of fell into an ideal job paying the most he has ever made for doing what he loves. He has offered his sympathies and a collection of financial self-help CD's. Neither are going to pay for food for 7 people 3 cats, and two dogs. I dreaded his visit to my home yesterday. It went well, he and his newer wife were very gracious and non-judgmental about the hovel I call a home. Given that for all practical purposes I am unemployed I could make more of an effort to clean up after the other creatures I cohabitate with as well as myself. It is such an unbelievable mess. I occasionally will spend several hours trying to make the kitchen conform to UN guidelines for the sanitation of eating facilities in third world countries, but give it a few hours and it is as bad as before. NO one uses any of the 12 to 15 f'ing trash cans ever. Why should they when there are piles of refuse everywhere.

I am upset most of all by an entry on my wifes blog. There she publicly calls bullshit generically speaking on my life,my words, my actions my intentions. We had a rough patch a few days ago, talking only made it worse, we agreed not to talk about it, and I encouraged her to talk to her friends, the world whomever just so she doesn't feel isolated. She objected that if she talks to mutual friends about it it will shame me. I said I don't care. I apparently do. I understand her frustration with me, I truly do. I object mostly to her wanting to know just enough details to give fuel to her imagination, but not enough to put some of her unfounded fears to rest. She emailes, blogged and apparently felt better. Was even apparently somewhat amorous. I felt small that I couldn't reciprocate. That I felt myself pulling away.

On top of all of the above, we had both incurred a huge sleep debt the last couple of weeks. We had spent our Deficit of wakefulness in the most delightful ways, but it was a debt like all others that eventually must be paid. I think I might have settled up on that finally. I arose at what I thought was a little after 5:00 am when the dogs barked at the anal retentive OCD neighbor who must exit his side door every morning making them sound off rather than using his front door. I wasn't ready to kill the dogs this time (the neighbor lives only because I don't want to return to jail.) Turns out the clock that sets itself with some sort of satellite signal, is unaware that my area doesn't follow daylight savings time.

Either way I am not particularly sleepy, but the toddler is. Dee leaves in the morning for a short while to help at her work then comes home for breakfast before leaving again. The toddler s often difficult during that short absence. This morning with the chill she is snuggled up next to me and seemingly feeling me with some of the self-love I seem to lack as of late. It feels, if not like happiness, a little less melancholy.