My quanderay over sexuality and crossdressing.

I am well aware that there is an ardent following of tranny porn afficiandos. I have run accross such things in my porn-y travels over the years, prior to my realization that I myself fit into that general genre, and was at most time somewhat disturbed, occaisonally fascinated.

I recall the first time I saw some and found it arousing, then conflicting. It was a short video clip I downloaded using a file sharing service. In it a handsome man is making out with an attractive woman, fondling her breasts next to a bed. As the camera pans back, you realize there is another woman on the bed and she is sucking the first woman's cock. Oops. was not at all sure what to make of my reaction. Now I would be a bit more openminded about the whole thing. Kind of wished I had that clip, so hastilly deleted.

Barbara was formed in my mind (but without a name) in very early pre-pubescent days and therefore doesnt have a very well fleshed out (pardon the pun) sense of sexuality, healthy or otherwise. This has been good in some ways because it has allowed me to explore the transgendered issues aside from any sexual context.

I can;t see this bloig ever turning into a tranny porn site, but there is a part of me that is intrigued with the idea of doing some. If I ever do, I suspect I will submit such to other random sites or start another (5th) blog fro such purpose. Funny to consider that I may have to resort to some sort of disguise to protect my female persona as she has developed.

The other day, Dee expressed interest in taking some raunchy Barbara poses. (No, don't write in asking to see them, as I am 200 miles away - it didnt happen.) One of the problems with this idea is that as far as I know the vast majority of tranny-fanciers are straight men. (No, I don;' get that either.) As I seem to be devoutly gyno-phyllic, that makes for a bit of a mismatch between performer and fans.

It led to some interesting discussions and apparently some homo-erotic musing/dreaming/fantasizing on her part. Even though that doesnt seem to be my thing, it was hot to hear how into the fantasy she was. Without losing the relatively work-friendly fell of this blog, I will say it involved a series of scenarios where she and "Barbara" interacted with another crossdresser. In her version Barbara was a much more active and giving participant than I myself can ever actually imagine her being in such a scene. I think in such a scene Barbara would be much more of a pillow queen. Funny, though. If Barbara were ever to be invited to an actual lesbian scene, she would be far from a pillow queen there. Rambling here, kind of random musing about this lately.

A year later...

Not sure what I want to write here so this is starting out as a place holder. It was the first week of may 2007 when I bought my first fem item and admitted it was for myself. (It was a pair of clear-heeled stripper shoes.) My awakening started when I read a post in an online forum that pointed out that a bi-sexual girl and a crossdressing guy could be a good fit. I knew my wife had some bi-tendancies so, it rang some bells and made me connect some seemingly dissassociated crossdressing events in my life.

I wanted to post about some of the differences in myself, my wife, our marriage, and our online lives that came about all because of that post I read. I'll think about it and edit this later.

Challenges in eating healthy.

I had a rare day off today as I have been working insane amounts of overtime. I was in camp rather than in the field for lunchtime so I headed to the mess hall. I have mentioned before that our chefs apparently learned to cook in the oil fields and don't spare the butter.

Today's menu? I decided to skip the rice, beef stew with phyllo (sp) sheet topping, and the canned veg-all. The baked tillapia, roasted new potatoes, and green beens sounded healthy. Not so it seems. The tillapia was apparently dipped in melted butter and dredged in bread crumbs. Tasty, but not particularly lo-cal. The green beans? Cooked in bacon grease with chopped bacon thrown in for good measure. The potatoes drizzled with melted butter naturally. I really should peek in the back and see if Paula Deen is back there doling out the butter by the pound.

I decided to add a salad. The "healthy" choice was a full-fat version of a house Italian. I decided some field expedient tranny diet dressing was in order. I squeezed some lemon wedges intended for their heavily sweetened iced tea over the salad first. Then I dusted it with Splenda and a little salt and pepper. Tasty and virtually no calories. I am going to have to start cooking in my room or risk plumping out of the juniors department range.

I am now about 10 lbs OVER my drivers licence weight having come up here about 4 months ago 10 lbs light. Not the right direction to go if I want to wriggle into some of those dresses in the new post-prom-ball-gown-thrift-store-season.