I am a lumberjack, yes, I am...

I took the girls up camping with a bunch of other Dads. (We didn't actually camp, eschewing the rocks and the company of tarantulas for the floor of a cabin.) I wore a plaid shirt and women's jeans because that's what fits. I sat scratching my three-week-old beard and realized that I was in no way feeling en femme. That felt just fine.


I looked around and tried to imagine which men there would be accepting, and which would likely pray for my salvation. I didn't till now wonder which might be at the least recovering crossdressers. I can't imagine any in that particular group. If you can't spot the CD'r in a group of 20-25 men, statistically, you are it.

As I was casting about for a way to begin this entry, I thought of

The Lumberjack Song

I don't think I ever actually saw it previously, but Dee mentioned it a couple of years ago before she (or I) had any transgendered framework to put me in. It came up because of a silly picture Dee took of my even sillier outfit. (I was wearing my Lucky Charms pajama pants, Underdog t-shirt, and Davy Crockett hat. I was dancing a jig next to a gas pump in Blythe at about 2:00 in the morning on the way back from Disneyland.) A friend of Dee's who saw the picture, laughed and said that the picture reminded her of the lumberjack song. In context now it seems prescient.

I looked it up and watched it just now. If I had seen it before it wasn't in light of thinking about how people think about the transgendered. If anything I would have thought it funny, silly and that the reaction of those in the background of the lumberjack reasonable. When I think of it now its kinda poignant. His manly friends and his devoted girl are so supportive of the barber's need to dream of a new and different life. The provide the chorus to his fantasy of manly times in the woods. (Which by the way which after Brokeback Mountain sound's well, gay..:)) When he reveals he "likes to put on women's clothes and hang around in bars", they shrink away. He, lost in a pink fog, is oblivious to their revulsion. Pretty apt really I think.

At the end she laments, " I thought you were so rugged!!!"

This may happen even more so because those with any version of transgendered issues are at risk to overcompensate a bit on their manly side. I.for example was the most macho 115 pound man Dee had ever met.

We were talking about it in the context of changes and I pointed out that Christopher Reeve was very rugged, until a tragic fall meant he could do nothing for himself. Not what Dana signed up for, but she handled it with unbelievable grace. Dee mentioned the stereotype of the man who trades in the old wife for a new trophy model every 10 years or so, because he can.

Dee put it this way about the changes for us. "You married Kelly Bundy, and 15 years later are living with Peg."

Referencing her new sleeker look as of late, I said, "You're looking more and more like Kelly Bundy everyday, dear."

She rejoined, lovingly, "So are you, dear!" Its "spice like that" (~The Sheriff.. in the movie Misery) that makes marriage fun.

Dumpster Bruschetta

Petra and I were having an IM conversation about places to be out and about en femme. I mentioned I hadn't as yet, but thought it would be amusing to go dumpster diving.

By way of background, I have long had this hobby, its fun, eco-friendly, a little edgy and gives one a reason to skulk around in the night. Forest Gump's mom had it wrong like is like the contents of a dumpster. Some finds are better than chocolate, Some, considerably less so.

I find I am more inclined to dive when its recreational than a necessity. I have always had a talent for finding needful things, but the ego takes a little hit if one thinks one is reduced to such as opposed to choosing to.

Apartments are always best on weekends especially at the end of the month so normally I wouldn't have gone on a Thursday night. Wanting to have something more interesting to report than some nice ripe tomatoes and a half peck of slightly bird pecked apples, I headed for a favorite gated apartment complex. Its newer, the residents are young and still running up their credit card, so I never leave completely empty handed. I recently refinished a beautiful dining room table from there. It was late enough that there weren't any cars to follow through the gate, so I burned some calories walking the circuit around the parking lot. A couple of open gates denied me the fun of hopping the fence. I almost did anyway for kicks now that I am no longer carrying a field-packs weight of extra caloric reserves around my midsection. I hadn't exactly crossdressed for the excursion but didn't want to risk ruining my one dollar thrift store Calvin Klein womens jeans, so I kept it light and resisted the urge to actually dive in so to speak.

Even with such a cursory search I came away with a GI Joe (he was neither in mufti nor Barbie clothes, just plain BDU's), a pair of apparently outgrown, good condition leather upper old-style roller skates in size 5, some misc snap together build a creature type toys, and a 52" five blade ceiling fan.

Grocery store yielded Roma and slicing tomatoes, zucchini, cucumber, a small pumpkin, a very ripe avocado, a couple of Maya sweet onions, vacuum packed individually sliced reduced-fat baby swiss cheese, and six crusty, baguettes. I left a dozen baguettes, a ripe mango because they seem to go un-eaten around here and lots more.

Before I left I had weighed myself after eating 1/2 a bag of chips. despite eating 900 calories of a full bag of chips then night before I was at the lowest weight in 10 years, at 132 and figured I should have a cookie.I had several Oreos but sliced out the lard sugar filling. No one needs those kind of empty calories...who thought of sweetened lard anyway?

After washing up the produce, I sliced the end off a baguette, split it open and drizzled with olive oil. A little oregano, garlic salt, basil, then sliced tomato, and topped with the cheese. broiled till bubbly then drizzled garlic infused red wine vinegar over that...Yummy!

Blurfing up a storm...

I have a policy of when a client asks a stupid question - and yes there are stupid questions , Virginia. The degree of stupidity dictates the length of the response. The dumber the question the longer an explanatory letter or addendum they get. SO far as I know, no one has worked out my metric, much less the sarcasm necessary to belabor some of the points. My personal favorite runs to a good page and a 1/2 and explains in some detail how it is that an investor will purchase something at below it's apparent market value due to either the distress of the selling party or the intrinsic appeal or lack there of of the thing purchased. It goes on to explain that once the deficiencies are remedied such as removal of green,shag,cat-peed, carpeting that the renewed appeal of the now fresh-smelling travertine-d object might well fetch on the open market a sum that is greater than the sum of the original purchase price plus the repairs. This odd concept is known as profit and is why investors buy that ugly haunted house on the corner in the first place, aside from their primary motive of course in raising your property values and bringing that wonderful family (or crack dealer as the case may be) to live on your street.

OOOPS starting to get long winded...wouldn't want my readers to feel THEY (both of 'em) were bing punished here....

Anyway, I told you that so I can tell you this....

Dee knows I like to read, was aware that I like to write if only in the context of punishment. She long ago started a blog for me two or more years ago when she started hers, she offered to get me rolling, and even type up my thoughts. She knows well that I have no shortage of opinions on just about any subject you could name. In hindsight, I think she was hoping to unload some of my unloading on the rest of the world who deserved it more than she as she tends to not ask stupid questions.

Flash forward to that fateful forum post I read about straight crossdressers and bi-sexual girls and the weird and funny and sometimes sexy journey that ensued. I acquired a blog again. I wrote, and wrote some more. I have barely paused. I write, I read, I write some more.

I cut, I paste, I slice, dice make julienne fries and then post the recipe.

I have very little idea who reads this. 4,000 people in 3 months or so. That baffles me a bit. Even more so if I consider it to be LESS than 4,000 since that meant some of you all come back for more. I am aware of the existence of masochists, just haven't met many. I mean there is my wife, but when I met her I married her believing this to be a rare species I had collected...but I digress...

I don't know what I want this blog to be but (I think) I have an idea of what I don't want it to be. I am not interested in attracting an audience of trannie-chasers as they tend to be as I understand it, straight males. Since I am a straight male myself, I feel I would have nothing in common with them...hmmm that sounds wrong.. Now if there is a contingent of hot nubile young lesbian tranny-chasers I may reconsider my position vis-a-vis content I choose to provide here.

I do find that pictures tend to lengthen visits, and I am conflicted about what that might mean. I do appreciate the relatively chaste admiration of other crossdressers when and if I can garner it, and really should be secure enough in my own homophobia to not care about the rest.

I also consider the possibility of the wife that has found hubby's panties and goes online searching for hubby wears panties or the like. I'd like to hope for all closeted CD's that at some point they can share this part of themselves, and I can't see my blog helping them much, but I sure don;t want to drive someones wife screaming to the locksmith after reading my blog.

I try to keep my links fairly safe for work. I think about how they might reflect on me.

When I first started I used my blog as a safe repository for all sorts of kinky links that I'd don;t want the kids seeing bookmarked. I then decided for a while to 'clean' it up a little.

I worry now though that it doesn't accurately reflect my online surfing at all. I really enjoy going from one blog to another in random vectors,. I have discovered a lot of really good writers that way. Smile a lot, learned more.

I think I am going to go back to posting links to the blogs I myself read and too heck with you all if you think my magazine rack is looking a little seedy. Theres a pristine copy of scientific American and Omni at the bottom that I'm going to get to right after I read a few more pages of Always Aroused Girl, Belle du Jour, and Confessions of a College Call Girl.

Oh the blurfing...thats my word of the day...Dee taught it to me then rescinded (briefly ) permission to use same when she decided it was in common usage in her vanilla community and if it isn't Web-wide, it may out us...turns out its in fair use.

The end of the ever-expanding wardrobe.

With the huge volume of $1-day finds at Goodwill my side of the closet has spilled over into quite a bit past the middle.

Today, Dee re-took some ground. My very first leather skirt, that I have dieted out of, she dieted into. It looks great on her. She bought a top last week with a wrap-around look that is perfect with it.

We are thinking of going to a Drag night at a local bar and she now has the outfit. The most expensive part of her outfit is the WalMart black patent-leather, peep-toe pumps.

She came up with a smoky-eyed make-up technique that looks really good in a slutty sort of way..:)

"MAKING" her accept. me...

Some one typed "How to make wife accept crossdressing" into Google. This misguided soul was pretty persistent in his search for the impossible.

He evidently paged through 17 pages of Google entries, and found me right after -

Giuliani Tells Christian Right: I Am Not Your Enemy - The Caucus ...
wifes and his new wife has 3(!) husbands. These people don’t know how to make a compromise. It’s stays in a character for ever. ...
thecaucus.blogs.nytimes.com/2007/10/20/giuliani-tells-christian-right-i-am-not-your-enemy

I had a post earlier about odd Google combinations generating hits on my blog. The thing that bugged Dee about it (other than the "MAKE" her part..) was that it was her comment to me on a blog entry about my history that triggered the Google hit.

You have always worn way too much guilt on your shoulders for things that you needn't feel guilty about. And that guilt just feeds itself, leading you to behaviors that aren't appropriate. I wish you could learn to love and accept yourself as I love and accept you.

Yes, she is accepting, and used the word "accept". But how the heck does Google know she is my wife??? No, I didn't "MAKE" her accept me. Really I didn't do anything to persuade her to be accepting. I chose well in general when deciding who to marry, but neither of us are really very much the same people we were 15 years ago.

It occurs to me that his query, and the companion query "How can I MAKE my husband stop crossdressing?" are based on a pretty flawed idea that we can strongly influence another's feelings.

A better question would be- "How can I as a crossdresser better assure my wife of my love for her?" or "How can I assure my crossdressing husband that I love him?"

Holding the line at 7-8 despite Ron Popeil's best efforts.

My size 7-8 waistline that is. ~inhales gut a bit~

I mentioned earlier that I have a gen-u-wine Ron Popeil Signature Series Pasta Machine. I purchased this treasure for the princely sum of 14.99 less 50% because I did not ACT NOW. Rather, having spotted it on a Thursday, I went back on Saturday 1/2 price day and nabbed it. Seemed to have all the parts. Even though I WAIT!!(ed) there was not MORE! No Ginzu knifes, no lemon zester no second unit for the price of one. Still, it was cheap at twice the price.

No manual though but easily remedied with a PDF I snagged online. Interestingly the Manual has order form in the back for replacement parts, (I seemed to have the basic compliment intact), and optional accessories. Among them was a sausage horn, and casings. Hmm stuffing ones own sausage does sound fun, but I was unwilling to part with more for that plastic part than I paid for the machine.

It did a pretty good job on linguine, fettachini, and some rigatoni. It was tasty and I am still messing around with recipes to find a combination of texture, color and flavor that I like. I am not convinced though that it is so much better than good quality dry past cooked properly. At least when you weigh the time and difficulty of getting all the nooks and crannies clean after. I vaguely remember that the parts are dishwasher safe, but I am not sure putting egg fortified glue is such a good idea for the dishwasher. It takes a while and it exposes my nails to dishwater for longer than is good for them.

What's that you say? Latex kitchen gloves? That just seems a little to femmy to me. I mean I'll wash dishes in an apron and kitten heels but gloves? No man wants to be seen in kitchen gloves.

Anyway the point of this post was supposed to be about my multi-task idea. Alton Brown (a personal hero of mine, dunno if he ever crossdresses, but I think he could pull it off..)..has said don't own any kitchen equipment you can't use for more than one purpose. Watching the little pasta machines dough hooks whirling around I had a flash. Bread dough. Either that or some possible suggestion for such in the PDF I hastily scanned looking for a basic recipe said as much. Doesn't matter, I had resolved I'd abuse the machine some time in that way. Speaking of single use machines I think I own two bread machines, used to use them not sure why I don;t now. Oh right! These machines are used for a month or two then never again..a fate that I fear will soon overtake the pasta maker.

Saturday Dee came home between soccer games, with one hungry kid and needing to take something portable back to another of them still on the field. She complained we were out of bread. She greedily eyed a two dollar bill with a serial number that would be perfect for the owner of a 1974 Oldsmobile ram-air 455 cutlass, and a couple of other questionably interesting singles. Rather than have her give my money to some fast food place, I decided to make some bread. OK this wasn't a practical solution for the needs at hand since the next game was over in 20 minutes. For that I found some whole wheat hamburger buns that were remaindered because only Dee or I will eat them. Even the mold doesn't like them as much. They look nutritious , but they actually are pretty soft and tasty..but I digress. two slices of American so-called cheese, some mayo, some sweet pickle relish. Done.

Meanwhile I looked for a recipe.

Came up with:

2.5 cups flour
2 Tbs oil
1.5 Tbs Canned Evaporated Milk
1/2 cup sugar...(clearly not a diet recipe)
1 1/4 teas salt..(honestly, cooking is chemistry, but 1/4 teaspoon gonna make a difference???)
1 cup 80 degree water. I went with tepid.
1 pkg yeast.

Did that recipe as accurate as I could, ran it around a while, pulled it off all the odd little hooks in the machine and finished kneading by hand. kinda a stiff dough. Dishwasher was still warm, so I put that loaf in there to rise. Started a second loaf in the machine. As I said its a pain to clean, I need at least $3 worth of bread out of it to justify the time. This one I guesstimated proportions, I worried not at all when the milk spilled a little over the spoon, and flour I just dumped a couple of cups not even leveled off and added pinches of flour till the dough looked right.

It was nice and smooth and light and a little hand kneading and it was done. I let it rise and hour and punched it down. I then took a nap and woke 2 hours later. Loaf one was raised but not all that much, loaf two was at the top of the pan.

That recipe was from a bread machine website, and I wasn't using my bread machine much less theres. Another more conventional recipe suggested 400 degrees for 20 minutes. seemed high to me, but I didn't want to make a research career of this little project. 20 minutes later it was browned nicely and the larger one looked perfect, the lesser one still a little flat, about a little over 1/2 a loaf high.

Cooled them a while on a rack, they sliced nicely and tasted great. The larger one had good texture a bit like a dense dinner roll, the smaller a little compacted and doughy but tasty eating with butter. Gotta go easy on the bread and butter. Worked too hard to get into juniors sizes!

Barbara's blog comes of age...

I got my very first spam posted in a comment!!

Completely off topic to the blog entry in question and in a foreign language.

Doesn't get much spammier than that.

I figured it was in Portuguese since I recognized a few slight variants of Spanish cognitives and I saw the word "Brasil" in the body of the text. I knew that was Brazilian for their country because that's what was stamped on a lot of Volkswagen parts if it doesn't say "Made in Germany".

To the point of the post below, a couple of words in Google (apparently in any language) can get people here if they follow a convoluted enough path.

A silly example: Since my Blog sometimes veers away from crossdressing specific issues, I once mentioned the various cars I have had. Among them are several VW's. I could have mentioned that I could use a transaxle for two of them. Often this is called a tranny. My first conversation about crossdressing with a sales girl happened to be Brazilian. (I meant that as in she was born there, not waxed that way, although come to think of it she might have been both.)

Imagine if my blog references in one part that I have a tranny left over from a VW I had the I parked when the engine got too hot. (actually it does say that now.) Then in a completely unrelated post I state that the sales girl was from Brazil. This prompts a Google hit for "Too Hot Tranny from Brazil with a Brazilian Wax."

I think we are drowning in information.

I used to be a privacy nut long before identity theft was as common place as it is. I would add "apartment A" or "Unit 12" or some such as a code whenever I filled out a credit card application. I ALWAYS opted out from them selling my name and 85% of the time, shortly I'd get junk mail with Unit 12 on it. I'd call the offending company who would swear they didn't do it. I had a friend with the same privacy concerns I had. His solution actually worked better. He woul fill out any and every form, survey and application that came his way..he would cheerfully answer all their questions, vary spellings, addresses. age, gender. middle initials and so on. Hos theory was that if you kept clogging up their machine with junk data, it would reject it. It seemed to work, he got less junk mail than I. A diligent search for him would burn up a lot of time and expense on false trails.

In case any of the (mostly) English speaking readers of my Blog have a pressing need for what I think is some sort of telecom or ISP services that will reach all parts of Brazil, I will post the most helpful message here. Sorry if the Babblefish translation and my redacting the pertinent URL and contact information causes any confusion. I wonder what the initials F U mean when translated into Portuguese.

Oi, I found its blog for google is well interesting I liked this post. It would like to speak on the F.U.Net. The F.U.Net is a dialed supplier of InterNet that remunerates its users for the hardwired time. Accurately this that you read, is paying you to connect. The paid supplier 20 cents for the moment of connection dialed with local linking for more than 2100 cities of Brazil. The F.U.Net has a connection accelerator, that leaves its faster connection up to 10 times. Who uses broad band can also profit, is enough to register in cadastre itself in the F.U.Net and when it will be to sleep to connect for dialed, it is possible to pay the ADSL alone with the money of the dialed one. In the schedules of only minute the expense with telephone is minimum and the remuneration of the generous F.U.Net. If you I to want to linkar F.U.Net(www.F.U.Net.com) in its blog I would be been thankful, until more and success. (If he will be possible add the F.U.Net(www.F.U.Net.com) in your blogroll I thankful, bye friend).

Interestingly, www.F.U.Net isn't taken...if you steal my idea I want some royalties.

No matter what you write, two words typed into google can find you....

I get visitors to my blog from the oddest of searches. Normally most of the people that read my blog are either regular readers (obviously insomniacs with a need for soporific verbosity),forum members that are following a link either from my siggy or more often when I hyper link there to give the long winded version of a post, or a surprising number that come from Dani's blog who was one of the first people to find me through a search and as far as I know the only blog out there with a link to mine.

All other visitors come from search engine hits.

Dee found a site onetime that MPAA rated your blog is you typed in your url. She got an R, I got a pg-13.It was only one term in my blog on one occasion that got me the 13.

Apparently in explaining that my early interest in making my own little men's mag out of pages from the lingerie sections of catalogs, was innocent in the sense of it not being for masturbatory purposes. Well, including the "tion" version of the word caused some Google interest. I have gotten some hits lately from the combo of Cr0ssdressing and M@sturbation. Not sure what to feel about that. The visitors generally don't stay long unless I have recently posted pics and even then less than a minute.

The most recent one apparently found my blog after paging through THIRTY pages of Google suggestions. That kinda persistence you gotta kinda admire. He stayed for a couple of minutes. I hope he found it informative. The latest pictures I posted I really don't think very likely met his requirements.

On the subject of regular visitors, I know I have some. But I don't really know for sure who your are or where I know you from (assuming I know you at all.) Nearly nobody comments on a post. Likely because I have expressed myself so eloquently n more needs be said).

As a grand experiment, if you happen to read this post in your travels, communicate with me in some fashion. Leave a comment, (anonymous posting is allowed!). Simple as you want. Can be a just "found your blog by searching for _________ ran away scared" or "I am cyberstalking you in preparation for your ultimate demise" or if you wish, "I am ________ on CD.com" "I am a friend of Bill W. and he sent me to see you. Do you dress in the morning? Do you dress alone?" or "THIS IS YOUR MOTHER AND I RESENT THE IMPLICATIONS FOUND HEREIN" (that one I expect any day now..I'd send her a link but I haven't communicated with her in years.)

Musings on the etymology of the term 'beard'.

In gay parlance a woman who gives cover to a man wishing to remain closeted is often called a 'beard'. I have recently grown one, Facial hair that is, not another woman.

We have joked about Dee being a 'beard' on shopping trips since it provides 'cover' of purchases that are actually for me.This works better though on those occasions when I am actually embarrassed enough about what it is I am doing to remember not to announce in a loud voice that "I already have on like that!" or "Oh, a 34B will definitely fit me!" Such was the case when several of the guys of varied ethnicities happened to be walking by from the loading docks to the front of the goodwill stores. Having just given the approval to put that $1 long-line boned bra into the cart, they cheerfully inquired if we were finding everything OK. I cheerfully and obliviously responded in the affirmative. I missed entirely their bemused expressions as reported to me by Dee later.

Anyway I got to thinking, why beard? Dee postulated that a beard if a common disguise. Makes sense except when the term I think was invented when gay culture was fairly effeminate. It seems to me that it was only during the permissive porno fueled seventies that the bearded gay man became an archetype.

It stuck me that it that crossdressers being associated necessarily with gay men does actually make sense historically. Before my theoretical time line of 70's porno mustaches, gay men were presenting more effeminately than they tend to do now. I think that it may not be defensive straight crossdressers distancing themselves from the Gay community so much as that gay men rejected femininity at some point recently and the phase of facial hair was a way of asserting that the male form is attractive in its natural state.

Or maybe since everyone associated a limp wristed foppish dandies with being gay*, perhaps growing a stash or a 'beard' was actually started to hide their orientation. SO maybe the term 'beard' originally meant exactly that.

I realize this is all circular logic and harks of chicken and egg, but it is interesting that regardless of how divergent gay trends and crossdressing trends diverge, the public still lumps them together.

Probably nothing that a gay drag performer or a bisexual crossdresser thinks about anyway, since in those instances there is a correlation.

*Not that there is anything wrong with ....................being a foppish dandy!

A suit as English as Fish and Chips...

Dollar Thursday at Goodwill again today. All pink tags $1 all orange 1/2 off. I got 2 evening gowns, 4 skirts, 5 pairs of heels, a top and several swimsuits all for $1. Orange will be $1 next Thursday. Often I will make mental notes about what to get next week.

I ran across a $14.99 orange tag that couldn't wait for a week. It was an all wool 2 button suit in a delicate herringbone. It was tailor made of English cloth in Hong Kong when it was proudly still a British Protectorate. It was made in a shop at a Hotel. Back then, businessmen with far east stop-overs or business in Hong Kong would have suits handmade to measure in 3 days or so that easily rivaled Saville Row or New York City $1000 suits for quality. This seemed to be one of those. I have lost weight to the point that like in my younger days I can;t buy off the rack anymore. This suit I estimate was made for a 35 short. I think I am somewhere about there maybe a 34 regular. The jacket hangs off my bony frame well. The trousers are probably 33-34 in the waist which would have fit me 30 pounds ago. I'm going to have to have the seat and waist tucked in 2-3 inches.

On the way home I was joking that I need to add some weight back on to fill out that suit, and passed a fast food place. I think I have eaten fried food maybe twice in the last 3 months while rigorously dieting. Dee laughed when she pointed out that Pirates Fish and Chips adorned with the Union Jack seemed especially appropriate.

This was my previous "English" sport coat. It was $1 and made in America, probably in the late 70's from wool woven in and imported from the UK. I was really happy to find it at the time. It pales by comparison to the new suit.

Pornography is in th eye of the beholder and the artist.

I thought I posted this before I wanted to quote it in a comment on another's blog about "Porn or Art" about peoples reactions to her self taken "French Postcards", but can't find it so here it is:

Pornography is a construction of some sort of societal or religious framework. Without such constraints, there would be no point in anyone objecting to any image. So pornography for a devout Muslim, may be a little less racy than pornography to a practicing nudist.

It boils down to intent and objectification.

If the portrayal is an effort to "use" the figure for salacious purposes rather than just an expression of beauty, it is probably pornography.

If it really is the intent of the photographer or artist to portray beauty as seen in The Creator's works, then the artist has not "sinned" in creating such a work. That said, it still is upon the viewer and his intent. If one wants to view certain types of images strictly for the buzz of sexual arousal, its probably porn for that viewer.

If I were gay,I'd have to say that Michaelangelo's David is pretty sexy. If I were a serial killer,I'd find Venus de Milo pretty arousing. If I were a lesbian I'd have a thing for Mona Lisa...(hmm she is kinda hot...)

When I was a boy (maybe 8 or 10) and cut pages Penney's lingerie section and pasted them in a book, this was my first pornography. It matters not that the models by today's standards showed less flesh than I might see in public today and certainly less than one sees during the family friendly (so-called) hours of the major networks. It matters not that as at the time I was pre-pubescent and didn't really understand things sexual and obviously wasn't using it for m@sturbation. What matters is that I had heard of magazines that featured scantily clad or (Shock!) nude girls, and I enjoyed the naughty secret of having a view into the mysteries of the female form (and in hindsight the lingerie!!).

The benefits a wife might get for putting up with CD'ing

I read an angst ridden post this morning about a wife lamenting the loss of her husband's maleness. I don't know the couple well so it isn't for me to say. Her CD might be truly transsexual in which case she is married to someone whose gender on the inside doesn't match the outside. Her lament about not having a male to hold might be tragically real.

I only mention it as the thing that got me thinking. My situation may well not translate for them.

I have never thought of myself as a girl. I envied girls, and more especially their clothes and have fun emulating them, but this is not the same as wanting to be one. I am glad to be male. I used to think I wasn't male "enough". I thought I was too skinny, and that my features were too soft. This, until I tried some foundation to cover my beard and found that my square jaw is distinctly male. Same with clothes. I never thought of myself as broad shouldered until I tried on a size 8 dress. I look like a linebacker! :)

What I am getting at is that I had kind of poor self esteem about my male side. I actually felt better about my appearance as I started to get a double chin at 178 lbs. I believed I had finally been able to gain muscle bulk once I had some fat reserves built. I found that my long lean muscles are still as strong and as skinny as I have dieted back down. I have long hated the camera partly due to family issues and partly appearance issues. In Barbara mode I wish I could take more pictures more often. My wife, and avid photographer and graphic design artist, has really had to chase after me in the past and settle for annoyed shots that say to the lens, "Take it already!" She usually gets only one chance. She actually used one of the shots of me in a national magazine once.

Lately, she has been counting up the benefits of having a Husband and a Girlfriend housed in the same body. The obvious ones has been shopping and as she is dieting faster than I the now blending of two pretty good sized wardrobes. The less obvious is a more willingness on my part to explore my feelings, and the use of dressing to put the angry male persona away at times when he needs a rest.

I haven't felt as much like dressing up lately,partly I think because after you have done the whole wig and make-up and hose treatment, a pair of panties seems a bit less than fulfilling.

Sunday she wanted to take some family pictures. I went eagerly, wanting to see how my practice as a photographic subject as Barbara, would translate to having "his" picture taken. As an acknowledgment to Barbara's help with this issue, I wore a pair of red velvet panties on under. Dee was encouraging a smile and whispered "Pretend you are wearing panties!" I told her "I AM!" with a big grin that she describes as a leer.

Pasta Pounds

Years ago I weighed 107 lbs and sought the advice of the nutritionist at the gym I belonged to about gaining weight. She gave me a xerox copy of a diet plan. The title was "Pasta Pounds" and it involved eating about 5 meals a day to include pasta in a couple of them and drinking couple of banana-egg-protein-powder-icecream-milkshakes.

I bought the $35 a can powder. The label reveled it to be basically whey from dehydrated milk and some dehydrated eggs. Probably $2-$3 worth of product inside. Sadly, unlike more modern formulations of flax seed oil for athletes it contained no anabolic steroids. Three months of this and similar diets and 2-3 hours day in the gym bulked me up to Arnold Schwarzenegger proportions and 112 lbs

Yesterday I again did a thrift store circuit. It was 50% off day and I was going back for a piece of crystal stemware that matched a set my sister gave me 20 year ago,and a hand crank ice cream freezer. I found next to that a Ron Popeil pasta maker for $6.

I made angel hair pasta last night, kind of clumped together and ended up doughy I decided I added to much moisture. Today I made two batches of rigatoni getting progressively better with each attempt. The angel hair I ate with I-can't-believe-it's-not-butter spray and a little cracked pepper. For the rigatoni I turned it into a goulash. I added two cans of crushed tomatoes, 1/3 cup sugar, oregano, basil, an onion, a sweet red bell pepper, a green bell pepper, a pound of 95% lean ground turkey breast, some hot crushed red pepper flakes and some caraway seeds. Quite tasty.

Since yesterday when I was at my target weight of 135, I have gained a pound. On this diet i figure I will weigh 225 in 90 days without the hassle and expense of going to the gym!.

Driver's License Weight.

When I was young, short and skinny and concerned those attributes didn't contribute to my whole macho aura, it embarrassed me to put my weight down on my driver's license.

My first license showed me at 5'8" I think since I being a math whiz and understanding significant figures and rounding decided that 67.653 inches tall can accurately be described as 5'8". I was a little more hesitant about the weight box...after all this is an official government document. I put my weight at I think 107 lbs.

I tended to drive a little fast in cars that looked less than roadworthy and managed to get off with a warning or a repair order several times. I could've kissed the cop once though (if not for his bristly mustache) when he estimated my weight for the citation at 135 lbs. Thanking him for his courtesy (and poor eyesight) I felt extremely buff. The 3 hours a day in the gym and 5,000 cals a day diet was paying off if not showing on the scale that refused to budge above 112.

When I lost my license, on the replacement application I decided that 135 was good enough for the cops, it was good enough for me.

I had this license for years. Probably about 10 years ago I actually hit that weight, and more. The next license replacement I found myself at 165 and developing a gut despite my abstinence from the brewer's finest. I put down 150 and there my license has stayed for years. At some point in my diet maybe a month or two ado, I actually matched my license weight.

The last week or so I am back down to the cop's estimate. Maybe its time to apply for an ID with my new weight, and maybe a trace of blush?

Edit: 12/16/2007 Despite adding butter, whole milk and white bread back into my diet I can't seem to get back up t driver's license weight. Once I slid below 130 I can't seem to gain. I have been at 127 for a couple of weeks. Today I stepped on the scale and saw 125 for the first time in probably 12 years. I am burying this in an early post to mark the day. I don;t want my wife to see this because it mustn't overshadow a really nice milestone for her also today. she is sub 140 just today for the first time in probably as long. She is really happy about it, I can;t possibly steal her thunder on this. I plan to work out a bit, lose some fat, gain some lean muscle, maybe settle in at about this weight. When she hits her now new goal of 125, I'll let her bask in it and then she will smile at this entry...Love you dear.

Feeling all male yesterday.

Funny how these feelings wax and wane. I found another thrift store with all for dollar days. I had planned to go yesterday and pick-up a couple of things I saw the day before. When Dee came back from her part time job she wanted to know if I was still going. I was sort of indifferent,but I went along.

I got the men's suit for the teenager I had seen, an all wool men's waist-coat made in Scotland, and a misfiled size 12 womans double breasted. It wasn't really shopping as I'd spotted those the day before in anticipation of the $1 sale. I half-heartedly browsed dresses and came up with a red button-up shirt dress and a polyester blue choir dress. I just couldn't get into the spirit of it.

Dee found some great t-shirts with that the kids refer to as sarcastic shirts because of the sayings imprinted thereon. She got several more shirts for her layering shirt collection. The pink wool patterned knee length skirt she got me is interesting. She refers to it as a Chanel inspired design. She also found me a brown raw silk skirt in a longer length that I think she plans on borrowing back when her plummeting weight puts her into a size 10.

Coming home I did a little reading on crossdressers.com There is yet another thread there about the fact the women can wear anything and men are ridiculed for doing the same. The original post was off the mark I felt because his example, (a coffee commercial with a girl wearing her man's boxer shorts) missed the point. The point was a sexy woman is sexy no matter what she wears. I had already posted as much a day or two ago on the thread. The thread has struck a nerve with GG's as they insist (rightly) that their wearing trousers, or a t-shirt or even ~gasp~ boxers isn't done to crossdress. Somehow it degenerated to flinging a statement about how men have all the power in the workplace. This "angried up" my blood. I personally have been actively and openly discriminated against at a Fortune 500 company. Over the span of 4 years it went from a job alongside cigar smoking men and hard women, to "kinder and gentler" BILL COLLECTING. I kid you not. New promotions were only given to women and gay men. Only two straight male supervisors were left after 4 years. one out of 4 managers was a male, again a hold-over. When the director was hired to replace the very male director who had personally hired all these women and gays, I overheard a woman saying, "FINALLY! We can now get things straightened out around here!"

Effectiveness during these years plummeted. 10 million dollars a month was sent to outside collection agencies from our center alone. Most of it was collectible. Collection agencies get 25-30% of that 10 million dollars for collecting it. I wonder how those oppressive white male stockholders felt about this grand experiment in kinder and gentler collecting? Oh, wait, I do know. share price dropped from $38 a share to as low as $15. Funny how losing millions of dollars can affect the bottom line.

Anyway, typing up my response post to that, as well as this rant here didn't make me want to emulate women in anyway. Must be nice to be a member of a 'minority' that has higher birthrates, employment rates and survival rates. Its good to have 'majority rules' if it favors you, rather than letting common sense rule.

My Walmart shirt was pretty expensive.

Yesterday at church, in addition to more worshipful thoughts, it occurred to me that my button-down plain white shirt cost 5 times what the rest of the outfit cost. I wore an all-merino-wool summer-weight sport coat by Cerruti, a genuine Paolo Gucci tie, and a nice pair of olive woman's slacks in a men's cut. $1 each. I did spend maybe $7 for the shoes, the belt was free from a dumpster excursion.

Next week I think I'll wear my Brooks Brother's blazer with an Armani tie. Playing dress-up as Barbara has sure improved my male wardrobe. I always used to wear a pair of tan dockers and whatever tie I could find in the mad dash before church, and was generally late getting there. Now I am actually planning it out the night before. Weird to occasionally be the be best dressed dude in the room.