I have mentioned previously Dee's mad skills with Adobe Photoshop. We were messing around looking at picture of cute lesbians. One picture caught our eyes and we had a brief cat fight about whose face would be 'shopped onto which girl. (I wanted to be the Brunette. I just don't think I can pull off blond yet!)
She was searching pics of me. I was SO camera shy when I was young that from age 16-24 there probably are only a handful of pictures at all. I should have embarked on a career in robbery or confidence games at that point but among other repressions by my evil parents the instilled a morality that denied me free expression of my brilliant criminal mind. She found a picture of me at 14. This was the very age when I was guiltily becoming aroused wearing my big sisters hose that were hung in the bathroom to dry.
The finished picture just spoke to me. I didn't want to show the titillating aspect of the photo with the two girls because at that time I was naive and innocent and curious.
I wanted acceptance from girls and had fantasies about being included in pajama parties or being able to shower with them in the girls locker room. I hated the parade of boys in the male locker room. I didn't feel inadequate there as far as being embarrassed about my genitals, its just that boys walking naked with no support with things flopping around looks a little silly. Body hair (of which on my lower half I was fairly 'manly' early) looked less clean to me. I always had plenty of testosterone, but I just didn't seem to be able to process calories into the bulk in the right places for those secondary male characteristics. Ironically I probably looked better naked then than clothed because of muscle definition, I worked out like a fiend to try to gain bulk, and all it did was pop veins on my forearms, and lean me out.
I am going to attach the picture as it shows my self image better than the mirror did at the time. About that, you cant tell but one of the pictures on my blog here is actually flipped, Dee and I discovered that because I was photo-shy for so long that pictures look less like me to me than a mirror does. Everyone has slight left/right variations on the faces and the imprinting on me from mirror time has regestered my right on the left and left on the right.
As I type this, Dee found this on CNN just now. It warmed my heart that these parent wanted the child's happiness first. A must see: A brave girl
She was searching pics of me. I was SO camera shy when I was young that from age 16-24 there probably are only a handful of pictures at all. I should have embarked on a career in robbery or confidence games at that point but among other repressions by my evil parents the instilled a morality that denied me free expression of my brilliant criminal mind. She found a picture of me at 14. This was the very age when I was guiltily becoming aroused wearing my big sisters hose that were hung in the bathroom to dry.
The finished picture just spoke to me. I didn't want to show the titillating aspect of the photo with the two girls because at that time I was naive and innocent and curious.
I wanted acceptance from girls and had fantasies about being included in pajama parties or being able to shower with them in the girls locker room. I hated the parade of boys in the male locker room. I didn't feel inadequate there as far as being embarrassed about my genitals, its just that boys walking naked with no support with things flopping around looks a little silly. Body hair (of which on my lower half I was fairly 'manly' early) looked less clean to me. I always had plenty of testosterone, but I just didn't seem to be able to process calories into the bulk in the right places for those secondary male characteristics. Ironically I probably looked better naked then than clothed because of muscle definition, I worked out like a fiend to try to gain bulk, and all it did was pop veins on my forearms, and lean me out.
I am going to attach the picture as it shows my self image better than the mirror did at the time. About that, you cant tell but one of the pictures on my blog here is actually flipped, Dee and I discovered that because I was photo-shy for so long that pictures look less like me to me than a mirror does. Everyone has slight left/right variations on the faces and the imprinting on me from mirror time has regestered my right on the left and left on the right.
As I type this, Dee found this on CNN just now. It warmed my heart that these parent wanted the child's happiness first. A must see: A brave girl
2 comments:
Barbara:
This posting inspired me to do a little "present" for you--but I can't attach to this comment and there's no email for you on your blog.
Email me at prettysissydani@yahoo.com, please...otherwise I'll find some other way for you to see this.
Thanks for the link to the CNN video, sweetie. It almost made me cry it was so wonderful.
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