This Blog is an attempt to balance my need to try to explore the long repressed feminine side of me in a semi-public space with a modicum of privacy with the need to be open and transparent with my GG significant other.
A little recent history:
Browsing about an adult site I came across a post about Cross-Dressing Males and their possible appeal to Women with a Bi-Sexual Orientation. I still haven't seen a lot of evidence that this idea is anything more than a fanciful idea, but It appealed to me.
I have felt urges to wear pretty things, and couldn't put my finger on exactly what it was I liked about it. I was teased about looking feminine as a youth so I was uncomfortable pursuing any dress-up play that might validate those that I viewed as my detractors. I wearied of defending my slender frame, and my orientation.
As late as my middle 20's working in a corporate environment I was distressed to learn that straight men and women were both speculating on my orientation, and yet at the same time the members of the fairly open gay community there were certain (without anyone asking) that I was in fact certainly straight. Wasn't sure how to take that.
I was a cross-dresser of opportunity only. If the rare occasion presented itself that I had complete privacy (really needed to be no one else in the same building!) and access to something pretty with sensuous feeling fabric in something closely approximating my size.
As I was fortunate to marry a girl with a very open-minded and sensual attitude, A little exploration was not something that I feared, as far as any shame or revulsion. A couple of times in the bedroom during some gender-bending role play, I did cross-dress. I wonder now how much I steered it that way, but at the time, It felt like a natural occurred.
In drag, I felt I looked silly ( a little hairy for the bustier and garter straps) but was very excited and enthused to try. I was a little embarrassed to communicate how intriguing it felt.
Back to the recent re-framing I was doing when I realized that like the old cliche, I wanted to escape my shell and spent some time in the skin of a hot lesbian. That seemed less "Gay" (not that there is anything wrong with that ~Seinfeld) I think that was my male side, specifically the voyeur in me. I took a few tentative steps tottering on a ridiculous pair of clear-heeled 6" Stripper shoes in size 10 I found at a thrift store. I met some GG friends that were supportive and gave tips on what might be flattering. I took a couple of furtive steps towards the CD/TG community and ran scared due to my early fears of being identified in just the way that I was now finding to be interesting and oddly, fulfilling.
As I developed this fantasy world in my head where if I got that last problem area waxed, got a cuter pair of shoes and learned to apply some subtle make-up that my SO would melt with desire for me as a girl, thereby closing some kind of hole in my schizophrenic circle. In my girlish enthusiasm, I felt dropping a few hints (that my fantasy world thought all hit their mark and were received with a coy smile not puzzled tolerance) and getting Barbara comfortable in her clothes would be all that would be needed to win my SO over into a wild three-way with all my personalities. What I really did was lead a trail of breadcrumbs in diverse and scary directions.
After a few tense starts and a lot of love and understanding, I feel heard, accepted, loved and most of all pretty.
A little recent history:
Browsing about an adult site I came across a post about Cross-Dressing Males and their possible appeal to Women with a Bi-Sexual Orientation. I still haven't seen a lot of evidence that this idea is anything more than a fanciful idea, but It appealed to me.
I have felt urges to wear pretty things, and couldn't put my finger on exactly what it was I liked about it. I was teased about looking feminine as a youth so I was uncomfortable pursuing any dress-up play that might validate those that I viewed as my detractors. I wearied of defending my slender frame, and my orientation.
As late as my middle 20's working in a corporate environment I was distressed to learn that straight men and women were both speculating on my orientation, and yet at the same time the members of the fairly open gay community there were certain (without anyone asking) that I was in fact certainly straight. Wasn't sure how to take that.
I was a cross-dresser of opportunity only. If the rare occasion presented itself that I had complete privacy (really needed to be no one else in the same building!) and access to something pretty with sensuous feeling fabric in something closely approximating my size.
As I was fortunate to marry a girl with a very open-minded and sensual attitude, A little exploration was not something that I feared, as far as any shame or revulsion. A couple of times in the bedroom during some gender-bending role play, I did cross-dress. I wonder now how much I steered it that way, but at the time, It felt like a natural occurred.
In drag, I felt I looked silly ( a little hairy for the bustier and garter straps) but was very excited and enthused to try. I was a little embarrassed to communicate how intriguing it felt.
Back to the recent re-framing I was doing when I realized that like the old cliche, I wanted to escape my shell and spent some time in the skin of a hot lesbian. That seemed less "Gay" (not that there is anything wrong with that ~Seinfeld) I think that was my male side, specifically the voyeur in me. I took a few tentative steps tottering on a ridiculous pair of clear-heeled 6" Stripper shoes in size 10 I found at a thrift store. I met some GG friends that were supportive and gave tips on what might be flattering. I took a couple of furtive steps towards the CD/TG community and ran scared due to my early fears of being identified in just the way that I was now finding to be interesting and oddly, fulfilling.
As I developed this fantasy world in my head where if I got that last problem area waxed, got a cuter pair of shoes and learned to apply some subtle make-up that my SO would melt with desire for me as a girl, thereby closing some kind of hole in my schizophrenic circle. In my girlish enthusiasm, I felt dropping a few hints (that my fantasy world thought all hit their mark and were received with a coy smile not puzzled tolerance) and getting Barbara comfortable in her clothes would be all that would be needed to win my SO over into a wild three-way with all my personalities. What I really did was lead a trail of breadcrumbs in diverse and scary directions.
After a few tense starts and a lot of love and understanding, I feel heard, accepted, loved and most of all pretty.
2 comments:
Well done Bababra! Well done for posting this and well written too.
Blog hard, blog often!
As the loving femal partner of CD it is heartening to read..
I beleive gender doesn't happen in binary opposition, but along a continuum of beautiful variation...
Embrace your beautiful variation!
L in Oz xx
Barbara,
Thanks for posting this blog and expressing your fears and desires about crossdressing.
You said, "I came across a post about Cross-Dressing Males and their possible appeal to Women with a Bi-Sexual Orientation. I still haven't seen a lot of evidence that this idea is anything more than a fanciful idea, but It appealed to me"
I am a Bi oriented female and I am exploring and questioning myself as to why I am attracted to crossdressed males. I haven't found much suport from the female community in this endevour but I srongly believe that you appeal to many GG women.
Keep going girl!!
Paige
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