Barbara Came Home Last Night!

Ever had a friend or family member gone for a long time and then picked them up at long last at the airport? You know you missed them, are eager to see them once again, but perhaps in their absence you haven't written or phoned like you had planned. Maybe you have fallen out of touch a bit.

You wait, now in the overcrowded holiday season packed converted 'waiting area' of the airport, never designed for the post security measures crowd. Then, at once, emotion floods. Your loved one is there. In the flesh, huggable, touchable, kissable.

Such was the case last night. I was posting away on a site. It has a GBLT area. I saw a couple of posts by a young transperson, and Barbara's heart when out to her. Just like that I was back. Tender heart, vulnerable, feeling lovely. No clothing, no make-up, no wig for the transformation, I just was. I nearly cried. I am a bit teary right about it now. I have been trying to get back to Barbara for sometime without success. I waxed my legs, she didn't appear. I bought some femme items I could feel her hovering near us at the thrift store, but she stayed just out reach. I went on to www.crossdressers.com
and re-connected with treasured friends there. I felt their warmth and welcome. But not Barbara.

I thought for a while with the new open communication that Dee and I have had with each other especially sexually lately that perhaps Barbara was all a dream, or a device, or a temporary blessing to get us through some tough times. I wondered if I was somehow a fraud. A dude in a dress acting out a kink just for a cheap sexual thrill.

I sit here, tears rolling down my cheeks, happy and soft. As Barbara. Still not playing dress-up, but I could. Dee just said its a shame we are broke. It would be a great time to go shopping. (Barbara is a bit looser with the purse strings.)

This morning I logged into my email and say a sweet note from my (Barbara's) big sister Paige. I've not said much about her in my blog, but despite the fact that my male side is older, Paige will always be my big sister. She so kindly led the teenage, giddy, scared, Barbara by the hand carefully out of the closet and into the beautiful light of day. Thanks, Paige, I've missed you also.

I have always met good friends in my travels. I have another adoptive big sister that seems to serve as a substitute for my actual sister that, sadly I am estranged from. Jessica seems to serve as sister to both my male side and my female side and helps me to connect with the authentic me no matter where I am on any given day on my own personal trangendered sliding scale. Thanks for the overburdened ear, Jessica.

And of course Dee is there through it all. When my gender repression probably erupts out as male irritability, when I am feeling pretty, when I am feeling silly, when I am dead sexy. Love you Dee.

With Love,

Barbara